Gender Disappointment: Finding Your Way to Joy

November 16, 2009 by Cathy Ribble
Filed under: Baby Health, Celebrity Baby News, News, Pregnancy

Millions of parents every year are thrilled when they learn they are pregnant, but many will suppress the fact that they are disappointed when the ultrasound reveals the baby’s gender is not what they had hoped.

Some will talk about those feelings with their spouse, family, or closest friends, but others will suppress their feelings of disappointment.

Angie Wagner of The Associated Press, raises for discussion the supposition that “good mothers are supposed to say they are happy with a boy or a girl as long as the baby is healthy.” She goes on to point out that many pregnant women experience gender disappointment. Expectant fathers are also often disappointed, but they are trying to be the perfect supportive husbands and often stuff the feelings themselves.

Is it common for mothers to want girls and fathers to want sons?

According to Joyce Venis, a psychiatric nurse in Princeton, New Jersey, the disappointment is often not discussed because the expectant mother or father is convinced that their disappointment would be perceived as being ungrateful. Venis. who works with women suffering from gender disappointment, says the problems is more common to women who wanted a daughter.

Countless women who suffer the disappointment of not having a daughter are reminded of that disappointment when they see other baby girls, when they see baby dolls, or have to visit the infant or toddler clothing department to buy a gift for someone else’s little girl.

“Just because a woman has a gender preference does not mean she is a bad mother or that she doesn’t want the child,” Venis says.

Having an ultrasound to learn the sex of your baby enables expectant mothers, fathers and other family members to deal with any disappointments gradually before the baby is born. Venis suggests finding someone to talk with. If necessary, that person may be a therapist. A therapist can help you resolve true feelings without being judgmental. Sometimes that kind of support is difficult to find among family and friends.

Clinical psychologist Katherine Asbery was not even immune to such disappointments. She became so depressed that her third child was a boy that she could not even say the sex of her baby. She spent hours crying over her disappointment after she and her husband had tried different techniques that promised a baby girl.

“That dream of what you wanted is gone, and you have to learn to live with that,” says Asbery.

Asbery had recorded her journey in a book called “Altered Dreams: Living with Gender Disappointment.“ Although she still experiences some sadness, she feels her family is complete and no longer feels that someone is missing.

“It’s normal. And they shouldn’t feel like a freak. It is a normal process of when a dream has changed. You just have to relearn a different dream.”